


Love

by adrianna_m_scovill



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Asexual Character, Asexuality, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Love Confessions, M/M, Masturbation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:55:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27264586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adrianna_m_scovill/pseuds/adrianna_m_scovill
Summary: A request for asexual Barba in a relationship with Carisi
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Dominick "Sonny" Carisi Jr.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 98





	Love

“Hey,” Carisi said, perking up at the sight of Barba. _Lighting_ up. “What’re you doin here?”

Barba smiled and held up a white paper sack. “Thought you could use some food,” he said. 

“We already ate,” Rollins offered. 

Barba ignored her, but said pointedly, “Don’t let them take advantage of you. Remember you don’t work for them anymore.”

Carisi smiled and glanced at Rollins. “I shouldn’t be too much longer,” he said, taking the bag and leaning in to kiss Barba’s cheek. “Thanks for checking up on me,” he added quietly, dimples flashing. “Can you stick around?”

“I can’t,” Barba answered with regret. “I have a few errands—” He glanced at his watch. “We can get drinks when you’re done?”

“Eh. Rather just put on some sweats and order takeout. Or I can cook?”

“I’ll pick something up and meet you at home,” Barba said. He was clearly distracted, in a hurry, and unaware that he’d referred to his apartment as ‘home.’ It wasn’t such a stretch, Carisi supposed, as Carisi spent far more nights at Barba’s than he did at his own place.

“Sounds good.”

Barba leaned up and kissed Carisi’s mouth, letting his lips linger, and Carisi felt some of the tension leaving his shoulders. Nothing eased his stress like Barba. “Take it easy on the Pepto,” Barba murmured when he drew back, offering a small smile that was both understanding and encouraging. 

Carisi almost said the words that had been on his tongue for weeks—months, maybe, if he was going to be honest with himself—but it wasn’t the time or place. “I’ll see you back at your place,” he said instead. 

Barba nodded once and looked at Rollins. “Detective.”

“Counselor,” she returned.

Once Barba was gone, Rollins asked, “So...how’s it going with you two?”

Carisi glanced up from the papers spread across the desk. “Fine. Good, actually. We should go over this with Liv and call it a day—”

“Fine? He kissed you.”

“Yeah?”

“And he said he’d see you at home. You living with him?”

“Just an expression.”

“Sure, but...has he come around with...you know? The physical stuff?”

Carisi paused for a moment to make sure his temper was in check before answering. “Come around? A person’s sexuality doesn’t change just because—”

“Okay,” Rollins interrupted, holding up a hand, “you know that’s not what I meant. It’s not the same thing. I mean, you’re practically living with him, and you can say you’re fine not having sex but you were singing a different tune when you came crying to me about how you didn’t think you could be with someone who isn’t—”

“I was drunk, and I was wrong. And I’m not discussing this with you.”

“Oh come on, you know all about my sex life—or lack of one these days.”

“I’m not talking about him with you. I never should’ve told you. You can talk about me all you want but he’s off limits.”

“Calm down, Carisi.”

“Off limits, Amanda. I mean it.”

“Alright, I get it. Sorry. I’m just worried about you. Worried you had a crush on him for so long that you might be settling for something that doesn’t really make you happy.”

“Settling?” Carisi repeated. The thought was almost funny. Barba was the smartest, wittiest, kindest, most generous and attractive man that Carisi had ever known, and the idea that _anyone_ could consider being in a relationship with him _settling_ was ridiculous. “I’ve never been happier with anyone.”

“Okay. Good. That’s good,” Rollins said. “Come on, let’s take this to Liv, then.”

* * *

Carisi wasn’t lying when he said he’d never been happier. It was true that he’d opened up to Rollins after too many drinks, complaining that he didn’t know how to be in a relationship with someone who didn’t find him physically attractive, worrying that he wasn’t what Barba really wanted or needed, and wondering if he could really commit himself to a relationship without sex for the rest of his life.

But that had been early, just a couple of weeks into dating Barba. Carisi now knew without a doubt that he would gladly go the rest of his life without sex if it meant he got to spend that life with Barba. Carisi was in love, and the feeling wasn’t conditional. He loved every piece of Barba with every bit of himself.

And Barba had been honest with him from the beginning. Halfway through their first date, he’d broached the subject:

“I need to tell you something before things go too far,” he’d said, and Carisi had felt a momentary flare of fear that Barba was about to tell him that it wasn’t going to work. 

Carisi had waited for years for Barba to ask him out, and he’d finally gathered the courage to bite the bullet himself, terrified that Barba would say he wasn’t interested. But to Carisi’s relief and delight, Barba had agreed. Things had been going well, Carisi thought; Barba was his usual witty and charming self, and they’d been flirting all evening. Then, before they’d finished their dinners, Barba laid his truth at Carisi’s feet. 

“I like you, Sonny. I enjoy your company, I like being around you. I’m flattered that you asked me out.” He paused, and Carisi could feel the _but_ coming and tried to steel himself for the blow. “This is harder than I expected, which I guess goes to prove how much I like being out with you.” He drew a breath. “I’m asexual, Sonny. And if that’s a deal-breaker for you, I understand.”

Carisi struggled to process this admission, which was so far from what he’d been expecting. “I’m not sure what…” he started slowly. “Does that mean you just...don’t have sex? I mean, ever?” he asked. He was confused, partly because Barba had always been flirtatious and tactile. 

“I have no real interest in sex,” Barba answered. “It’s not an aversion, exactly, it’s merely a disinterest. I’m not sexually attracted to other people. I have had sex—I experimented quite a bit in college, convinced something was wrong with me but unable to figure out why everyone around me seemed to be in on some secret that eluded me.” He looked wistful for a moment before sighing. “But I’ve accepted who I am.”

“You don’t...I mean, you never get…” Carisi glanced around and leaned toward the table, lowering his voice. “Aroused? Like, do you jerk off?” As soon as he asked the question, he wanted to take it back. Heat flamed in his cheeks, and an apology tangled in his tongue.

Barba answered calmly and without apparent offense. “Sometimes. Not often. It’s not unenjoyable, _per se_ , it’s just not something I seek out or need on a regular basis.”

“So you’re not attracted to me at all?” 

Barba drew a breath through his nose and leaned forward, putting his elbows on the table. Holding Carisi’s gaze, he said, “I’m attracted to you in every way possible for me. I love talking to you, the way you see the world, your intelligence and kindness. Your faith and love for your family. Your commitment not just to your job but to doing what’s right, no matter how hard. You’re beautiful, physically and spiritually, and I would happily stare across this table at you for hours. I would like to date you, Sonny, but I realize you may need time to think about it.”

“You want to date me...but you don’t want to sleep with me,” Carisi said slowly, feeling like he needed the clarification because his brain was still struggling to understand.

“That’s correct.” Barba seemed about to say something else, but instead he simply pressed his lips together and waited for Carisi to respond.

Carisi wasn’t proud of the disappointment he felt. It was a sudden and hollow ache in his gut, and he couldn’t deny it as much as he’d like to wish it away. The truth was, he wanted to sleep with Barba. Had thought about it more than was probably decent. And halfway through a date he’d thought was going very well, he was being told that it was never going to happen.

He was disappointed, but he cared about Barba. The very last thing he wanted was to make him feel badly about something Barba couldn’t change. “What about kissing?” he asked.

“Kissing is nice,” Barba answered quietly, a small smile curving his lips as he glanced at Carisi’s mouth. “As long as you understand it won’t lead to arousal, for me. I enjoy physical affection for what it is, but the last thing I want to do is lead you on.”

“I get that,” Carisi said. “I appreciate that. Thanks. I mean, thank you for being honest.” He paused, considering, before reaching a hand across the table to touch Barba’s wrist. “Thank you for trusting me,” he added, and he saw Barba’s throat bob. “I’m gonna think about it, okay?”

“Of course,” Barba answered with a smile. 

* * *

Carisi woke feeling pleasantly overheated and more comfortable than his position on the sofa should allow. Barba was draped over his chest, snoring softly, and he’d pulled a thick fuzzy blanket over them at some point after Carisi had fallen asleep. Carisi smiled, surrounded by warmth and Barba’s familiar scent, and looked at the flickering light of the quiet television. 

Barba stirred against him, snuggling closer in his sleep, and Carisi closed his eyes as he felt his body beginning to respond. It wasn’t the first time, and it certainly wouldn’t be the last, but the occasional physical frustration was a small price to pay for the contentment Carisi felt with Barba’s arms wrapped around him in sleep.

It was with real regret that he realized he was going to have to disengage himself and slip into the bathroom. Barba had told him that it didn’t bother him when Carisi became aroused, but Carisi still worried. He didn’t want Barba to be uncomfortable or, worse, feel guilty or pressured. 

Carisi shifted carefully, sliding out of Barba’s grip and laying him down in the warmth of his vacated spot. Barba grumbled but didn’t fully wake, and Carisi whispered that he’d be back—if only to rouse Barba to move to the bed—before pressing a soft kiss to Barba’s head. 

Carisi turned on the bathroom light and closed the door before dropping his sweatpants to his ankles. He could still smell Barba’s cologne clinging to his t-shirt, could still feel his warmth on his skin, and Carisi lowered the toilet lid and sat down. He grabbed a nearby washcloth with his left hand and took his erection in his right, closing his eyes. He pictured Barba, dressed in casual clothes and flashing him a lopsided smile. 

Carisi had seen Barba undressed; they’d even showered together. Barba was concerned in the beginning, wanting to make certain that it didn’t make Carisi uncomfortable, but Carisi enjoyed Barba’s body. He enjoyed looking, he enjoyed being able to wash him, to touch. Carisi would never make a sexual advance, and he rarely became more than semi-aroused in such situations because they didn’t _feel_ sexual. They were _intimate_ , and that was far more important.

He’d only given himself a few strokes when a soft knock on the door made his eyes snap open. For a moment he was frozen, hit with a surge of guilt and shame, but those feelings subsided quickly. There was nothing shameful about what he was doing, and he knew Barba would never want him to feel guilty about it. 

“Is it alright if I come in?” Barba asked quietly.

Carisi glanced down at himself with a grimace, but said, “Sure.”

Barba walked into the bathroom, flushed and tousled from sleep. “Sorry to bother you,” he murmured. “Probably would’ve been better to wait until you’re finished, but—”

“You’re never a bother, Raf,” Carisi cut in.

“Do you need me to do anything?”

Carisi’s dimples flashed. “Nah, I’m good.”

“Do you mind if I stay? I do like seeing you like this.”

Carisi’s dimples deepened, and he felt a flush of pleasure under Barba’s affectionate gaze. “Sure.”

Barba smiled, moving closer and carefully lowering himself onto the edge of the tub. After a moment he laid a hand on Carisi’s knee, thumb rubbing soothing circles against his skin, and that was more than enough contact to speed things along for Carisi. 

He stroked himself slowly at first, watching Barba watch him, needing to know he wasn’t making Barba uncomfortable. Any residual awkwardness faded quickly, though, because Barba’s gaze made him feel safe and adored, respected. There was no disgust or judgement.

Carisi jerked himself faster, his eyes slipping automatically closed as he neared his climax. He could feel Barba’s thumb massaging encouraging circles on his leg. 

He came into the washcloth with a soft cry, his head falling back for a few seconds as his body shook. He opened his eyes when he heard Barba turn on the sink faucet, and he let Barba pull the soiled cloth from his fingers. Barba ran it under the warm water for a few moments before turning and sinking into a crouch. He cleaned Carisi carefully but efficiently and tossed the cloth back into the hamper beside the door. 

Carisi glanced down at Barba’s lap, where there was no hint of arousal, and Barba caught the look. “Please don’t be offended,” he said quietly, shifting to once more sit on the edge of the tub. He put his hand on Carisi’s leg. 

Carisi opened his mouth to reassure Barba, but he was still coming down from his orgasm and he floundered for the right words.

“I’ve been as honest as possible about my feelings,” Barba continued quietly, “and about how happy I am to be with you. If you need more than I’m able to give you, I understand that. I do. I want you to be happy, Sonny. I—”

“I love you,” Carisi blurted. “I’m...I mean, I’m in love with you.” 

Barba studied him for a moment, a smile playing across his lips, before saying softly, “You stole my line.”

Carisi laughed. “Sorry. Been dying to say it for awhile.”

Barba edged closer, leaning toward Carisi, and Carisi met his kiss halfway. “I love you, too, Sonny,” Barba said against Carisi’s mouth, reaching up to lay a palm against his cheek. “More than I ever thought possible. I don’t have a desire to do these things, but if you need me to—”

“I love _you_ , Rafael.” Carisi turned his face to kiss Barba’s palm. “Exactly how you are.”

Barba released a breath, and the worry eased from his expression. 

“I’m not offended. I’m just not used to being the only one who...I mean, I usually try to make sure my partner is—” Carisi stopped and considered. “What can I do to make you happy?”

Barba smiled and leaned in to kiss Carisi’s lips. “Come to bed with me?” 

“Course,” Carisi answered, kissing Barba again before standing and helping him to his feet. Carisi turned and lifted the lid, peeing quickly, and then he pulled up his sweats and washed his hands while Barba took his turn at the toilet. As soon as Barba had washed his hands, Carisi pressed another kiss to his smiling lips. “Might call in sick to work tomorrow and spend all day snuggled up with you.”

“Mm. That sounds nice.” They both knew neither of them could or would play hooky, but it was still a pleasant thought. “Maybe we can plan a trip over the holidays,” Barba said as they walked into the bedroom with their arms around each other.

“ _Yes_ ,” Carisi exclaimed, his enthusiasm making Barba chuckle. “Snow or sand, I don’t even care, whatever you want. Just you’n me, alone somewhere. God, that sounds good.” He turned and kissed Barba’s temple before reaching down to fold back the covers. He waited while Barba crawled into bed and then turned off the light and followed him under the covers. Barba rolled away so Carisi could snuggle up behind him, and then he relaxed back into Carisi’s embrace.

“I haven’t been skiing in ages,” Barba murmured. “But a warm, private beach somewhere sounds nice, too.”

“Mm.” Carisi kissed Barba’s shoulder and already felt himself beginning to drift. “Why not both? Lots of holidays to plan.” He sighed contentedly, his body growing heavier. “I love you, Raf.”

Barba was silent for a few seconds, and then he lifted Carisi’s hand to his lips, gently kissing his skin. “Thank you,” he said, barely audible. “I love you, too, Sonny.”


End file.
